Calculator, Calculator (1975)

Sung to the nursery rhyme “Thumbelina”

This was the first of four songs that I wrote and performed for my dormitory’s variety show during my first year of college.

First, Thumbelina:

I’m not an Einstein, Gauss, or Fefferman,

I can’t count the raisins in my bran;

I don’t know multiplier from multiplicand;

That is why I am making this command—

Oh, Calculator, Calculator, tiny little keys,

Help me ace this test,

Calculator, please;

Computer this thorny problem and express it in degrees,

God help me if you screw up the parentheses.

It’s not that I’m a dummy or I don’t know how to add,

My SATs were fine; my placement test, not bad.

But how can I compete when I compute with pen and pad?

There ain’t a lot of med-school offers to be had.

My SR-50 breezes through five hours’ work in one;

Why tire out my brain? I should be having fun.

I don’t know log from cosine or mantissa from array,

But what the hell’s it matter when I get my “A.”

Oh, Calculator, Calculator, tiny little keys,

Help me ace this test,

Calculator, please;

Computer this thorny problem and express it in degrees,

God help me if you screw up the parentheses.

(I can’t recall the next verse.)

Oh, Calculator, Calculator, tiny little keys,

Help me ace this test,

Calculator, please;

Computer this thorny problem and express it in degrees—

Oh dammit I forgot to charge your ba-a-at-er-er-er- ee-ee-ee-ee-ees.