Math Major, Math Major (1975)

Sung to “Matchmaker, Matchmaker” from Fiddler On the Roof

This was the fourth of four songs that I wrote and performed for my dormitory’s variety show during my first year of college. I cowrote and performed it with my girlfriend, Kim Kreps, a Physics major.

First, “Matchmaker, Matchmaker,” from the 1971 film version of Fiddler On the Roof:

Math Major, Math Major (1975)

(Boy) Math major, math major, help me unwind,

I’m going nuts, falling behind,

Nobody warned Math would be such a grind,

Please help me pass Calculus.

(Girl) Hume* major, Hume major, what shall I do? (*Humanities)

I can’t read Proust; give me a clue.

I have a twenty-page paper to do,

Please save me from writing crap.

(Both) Oh why must everyone suffer

Through courses that they never will use?

I won’t remember a thing in a year or two.

At Circle Campus* they learn about Star Trek (*downtown commuter campus of U. of Illinois)

And such topics they crave.

So why must xxxx

xx through courses that dig our grave?

(Boy) xxx

xxx

xx

xx

(Girl) xxx

xx

xx

xx

(Both) If this is liberal learning,

How pleasant junior college must be;

I’m not cut out for hard courses that aren’t cut out for me.

I’m spending six thousand dollars

To learn what “great education” must mean,

But our ten-million-dollar library

Is used for its five-cent Xerox machine.

(Boy) Math major, xxx

xx

xx

xx

(Girl) Hume major, teach me how poems are read,

Help me enjoy the classics I dread,

I should have gone to Northwestern instead—

But now that you’re here

(Boy) I’ve nothing to fear,

(Girl) I’ll stand up and cheer,

(Boy) Now equations are clear—

(Both) I’ll stand up and cheer

Tonight!