If I Only Were Retired (1985)

Sung to “If I Only Had a Brain” from The Wizard of Oz

I wrote this for my dad, Sam Stregevsky, upon his retirement from USI Chemicals, Cincinnati, Ohio. I was unable to attend, so I mailed it from Atlanta, Georgia, and my dad sang it at his retirement party.

Years later, I would reuse the tune to honor a coworker’s retirement.

When ammonia ate my sneaker
As I held it in my beaker
Protectively attired,
Soon my head got me thinkin’: I’d have bread to buy a Lincoln
If I only were retired.

I’ve have mornins for reposin’
And afternoons for dozin’
And nights for feelin’ tired;
I’d rethink a proven premise,
Toss a drink with Nobel chemists
If I only were retired.

If Ruth
Complains I snore
I’ll raise my nasal rumble to a roar
And knock the cuss’d clock upon the floor;
When I’ve had forth winks (wink, wink)—
I’ll wink some more.

So to hell with polyethyls
And to hell with Pyrex vessels:
I’m doin’ as I desire;
Quit the lab, ease the tension,
Off to squander all my pension—
Till I beg to be rehired.