Lashon Hara PTA (1992)

Sung to Harper Valley PTA (1968)

The Hebrew phrase lashon hara means slanderous or malicious gossip (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lashon_hara ). Though I wrote it in Atlanta, Georgia, for Beth Jacob Synagogue’s 1992 Purim play to be sung by congregant Marla Netzel, it did not get used until 1993, when I performed it at a Jewish religious singles lunch in Baltimore, Maryland.

First, Harper Valley PTA:

Lashon Hara PTA

I wanna tell you a megilla* ’bout a Torah u’mesorah** wife, (*story) (**Jewish law and tradition)

Who had a teenage daughter who attended Lashon Hara Junior High;

Well, the girl came and didn’t sit to see what All My Children had to say;

She just said, “Ma, you been appraised by the Lashon Hara PTA.”

Well, the judgment read, “Ms. Bernstein,

“You’re fluffin’ your sheit’l* way too—high; (*wig worn by religious Jewish wives for modesty)

“An-n-nd the mikva lady* tells us you bee oglin’ Knots Landin’ late at—night (*ritual bath supervisor)

“An-n-n-nd we don’t believe in bringin’ up a daughter of the Convenant this way;

“Signed by Order of the Court, of Lashon Hara PTA.”

It was bashert* because the PTA was holdin’ court that very afternoon, (*fate; predestined)

And ev’ry shayt’l turned when Mrs. Bernstein plowed her minivan into the room;

And as she sashayed to the shtender* somethin’ told me they’d be eatin’ humble pie; (*table lecturn)

She said, “I motion we appraise—the Lashon Hara PT Aye.”

“Well Mrs. Lister, is the mister

“Still hidin’ from Internal Revenyoo?

“And Doris Dubby, why’s your hubby been on happy pills since nineteen eighty—two?

“And ain’t it odd Liz Shackter’s chiropractor had to up and run to Hackensack?

“We’d feel more healthy if her boy—

“Were half as well-adjusted as her—‘back’.

“Yeah, Chana’s challah says K’neret*— (*a brand of frozen challah)

“But she says it’s from Shoshi’s store;

“And Sophie Sellus, pray tell us why your man don’t get aliyas, anymore? (call-ups to the Torah)

“Yeah-there’s-a-lot that don’t look kosher—

“But ladies, if the shayt’l fits,

“You’d better buckle up your tongues—

“Or pucker up and kiss my grits.”

Now, them tongues are mighty silent,

And mum’s the word on Judgment Day,

Since my eema* held court—at Lashon Hora PTA. (*mother)

Since my eema held court—at Lashon Hora PTA.