Everyone Knows It’s Shelley (2017)
Shelley was my boss at Optum. I wrote this upon her departure to another company.
This marked the second time I parodied Windy to celebrate a female workmate; in 2009, I had written Everyone Knows It’s Wendy.
The lyrics were vetted by five workers who knew Shelley well. On their advice, one verse was deleted.
Who’s struttin’ out to shop at Sephora,
Sassy as Jasmine, brassy as Kim,
Tarter than any tart in Gomorrah?
Everyone knows it’s Shelley.
(Wait 4 beats.)
Who scampers home to pamper her kitty,
Curls on the couch to Kodi and chill,
Breaks out the booze when work has gone shitty?
Everyone knows it’s Shelley.
And Shelley gives Evil Eye
To floozies who vamp her guy,
And Shelley serves humble pie
To those who doubt her,
To those who doubt her,
To those who doubt her,
To those who doubt.
(Wait for 16-bar organ interlude, then 5 guitar strums.)
And Shelley has brows on fleek,
But careful, don’t brush that cheek,
’Cause Shelley is coy and meek—
As an A-bomb
As an H-bomb
As an F-bomb
She’s the bomb!
Who seems to think that Rob is her boyfriend,
Nhu is her sister, Derek her son?
Karlton her`Number One “To Annoy” friend?
Everyone knows it’s Shelley.
Who couldn’t give the heave-ho to Georgia,
Hemmed by a heart as tender as Trump’s,
As`humble, humane, and pure as Pope Borgia?
Everyone knows it’s Shelley.
Who won’t be dissed by DRG meetings
Ne’er more be pissed by lazy-ass SMEs?
Who will be missed by all in Proposals?
Everyone knows it’s Shelley!