Empirical, Empirical (1975)

Sung to “Miracle of Miracles” from Sheldon Harnick and Jerry Bok’s Fiddler on the Roof

This was the second of four songs that I wrote and performed for my dormitory’s variety show during my first year of college.

First, Miracle of Miracles, from the 1971 film version of Fiddler On the Roof:

Empirical, Empirical

Blunder of blunders, empirical, empirical,

What have you done to Plato, now?

You hoped phony foot notes would be your saving miracle,

But I caught you anyhow.

How can you dare to contradict Pythagoras?

Back to your blackboard, try once more.

What will convince you of Aristotle’s holiness?

That’s why you’re studying Common Core.

If you want to win honors, if you wanna get laid:

Ya gotta be empirical!

A documented paper will make the grade.

It’s an undergrad miracle, too.

Where did you get ideas like this?

Keep writing bunk and you’ll flunk with ease,

If creative thought is-your-cup of tea

You’ve enrolled in the wrong university.

(I can’t recall the rest.)