Optum Girl (2016)

A tribute to Sarah Iselin, President of Optum Federal, shown on 2016-mm-dd, Columbia, MD; music by Goldsound Karaoke)

Sung to Uptown Girl, lyrics & music by Billy Joel; lyrics ©1983 Universal Music Publishing Group

Whoa-oh-oh-OH-oh-OH-oh-oh,
Whoa-oh-oh-OH-oh-OH-oh.

Optum Girl,
She lived happ’ly in her Boston world; 
She-loved-her-Bruins and her lobster fry,
She’d-never-leave ’em till a cold July—
Now raise a cry for our Optum Girl!
She lived cheery in her-`Payt-ree-ut world,
But-she-grew-weary of New England’s sins,
And-now-she’s-`rootin’ for her Ravens, and Skins—
And-Minnesota Twins.

Annnd when Big Blu-u-ue, asked her, “Why, Sarah, WHYYY, I, I?”
She answered, “Lewww-in and Q, S-S-I-I-I.”
She said “Bye-bye, Blue Cross,”
Boston’s loss, look who’s boss:
She’s our Optum Girl!

She-signs-her-Sarahs with an Optum swirl,
And-when-the-gridlock in our Congress clears,
She’ll-lead-her-Fed’ralists to new frontiers—
Our moment nears.

Whoa-oh-oh-OH-oh-OH-oh-OH-oh-OH-oh-OH-oh-oh-oh;
Whoa-oh-oh-OH-oh-OH-oh-OH-oh-OH-oh-OH-oh-oh.

Optum Girl,
The-Captain-`Kirk of Optum’s I.T. pearl,
And-maybe-someday when the Earth won’t spin,
We’ll-snare-a-`second Sarah ISSS uhhh linnn—
A double win.

And as she’ll ma-a-ake Fed’ral healthcare affordable,
She’ll lay our sta-ake to each di-i-ime that’s awardable.
She’s Optum’s health wonkette,`secret threat,
Place your bet
On our Optum Girl!

Fed’ral-hotshot of the Optum world,
And-when-our-journey takes a turn or twist,  
She’ll-be-our-QuinteSSentIal Optum-ist—
That’s Sarah Isss.

Whoa-oh-oh-OH-oh-OH-oh-OH-oh-OH-oh-OH-oh-oh-oh;
Whoa-oh-oh-OH-oh-OH-oh-OH-oh-OH-oh-OH-oh-oh.

Optum Girl,
She’s-our-Optum Girrr-r-rll,
’Cause you know we’re in love with our Optum Girrr-r-rll,
Our Optum Girrr-r-rll,
We’re in heaven above for our Optum Girrr-r-rll,
Our Optum Girrr-r-rll,
’Cause you know we’re in love with our Optum Girrr-r-rll,
Our Optum Girrr-r-rll,
We’re in heaven above for our Optum Girrr-r-rll◼